What if God doesn’t answer my prayers?

Wrestling with the sovereignty of God is never an easy task, even in the abstract. Doing it in the real, everyday, muddy details of life is like trying to thread a needle while riding a bull. Recently, I've been wrestling with this idea, once again. It seems to be a theme of my life this year.

For those who might not know, next year I've taken a position as an intern with Cru at OU, a Christian organization with a focus on sharing the Gospel, disciple-making, and world missions. It's literally a dream job, and I'm so excited to get to go back to the campus I love and share the love of Jesus, full-time.

But, before I go, I face a pretty big challenge. Cru staff, like a lot of other missionary organizations, raise their own financial support, by partnering with individuals and churches. I have to raise my own between now and August 1st. If I don't raise it, I don't go.

This is what's been really tough for me. I can put up post-it's with verses of God's promises of provision. I can memorize passages of Scripture that tell me of how He will not forsake those who seek Him. I can fall on my knees everyday, acknowledging my very real dependance on Him to provide the means for me to fill my mouth with food. All of those things, I am doing. But what's been hard, is acknowledging that He may choose not to.

I haven't even let myself think along these lines. But He could. He could choose not to bring the support in. He could choose, come August 1st, to keep me off staff. (Just writing those words was so hard, I started to cry.)

This is where faith gets real. Yes, it requires real faith to believe that God will provide me the financial support for an entire year. But I think it requires even more to believe that He is good, kind, and loving, even if He chooses to not allow the support to come in.

What will I do, if that happens? Will I hate him, and curse him, like Jonah? Or will I stand with Job, and say, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."?

As of now, I'm fairly certain I would curse Him, just to be honest. It would be so excruciating to see yet another dream die, another hope deferred.

But I must, I must, believe that He is in control of ALL things, good and bad. I must believe that He works all things for my ultimate good. I must believe that if He did not spare His own son for me, then neither will He withhold any other sort of good from me, (no matter what I think good looks like.)

Oh, God, change my heart that I might be able to say, no matter what happens this summer, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

 

An Open Letter to My Brothers and Sisters

I’m going to deal with an in-house issue today. This is an open (letter, blog?) to all of my fellow Christians. So if that’s you, then stick around.

If you’re not a Christian, feel free to read it (in fact, please do) but I do want to include a side not. Just because I’m saying these things does not at all reflect any animosity. I’m writing this to people I consider my “brothers” and “sisters” in Christ, and that’s exactly how I feel about them. I love them dearly and intensely. Nothing can change that. Even when they hurt my feelings, (which, as my “family” they often do,) I still love them. So please read this post as a discussion between siblings who are trying hard to live life as a family, with all of it’s faults and failures.

Alright, that said, here’s what I really wanted to get to. Tomorrow, I will have been engaged for two weeks. Not very long! The word has still been getting around.

And it seems that every time, after the initial “congratulations!” the same question follows; “So when is the wedding?” A natural question. Totally fine. It’s been people’s reactions to my answer, however, that have been hurtful.

See, even though Clay and I got engaged in April, we’re not planning on getting married until late May/early June of 2014. There are several, personal, economic, and familial reasons behind that, but the largest reason for that date is because next year I will be serving as an intern with Cru at OU (formerly known as Campus Crusade for Christ.)

This is something I’ve felt God leading me to for over a year now, and in the past few months the call has been more than confirmed for me. The internship runs August-April, and in that time, I don’t get any vacation time (other than holidays and such.) So, obviously, wedging a wedding in there would be pretty much impossible.

We talked about it, and although we definitely desire to be married sooner rather than later, this is what we feel is right for us, what God wants for us.

So it really hurts my feelings when people express surprise, and veiled (or not-so-veiled) judgement at our 15+ month engagement. I understand that typically in Christian circles, 6-8 month engagements are far more typical, but that’s just not a reality for us.

A long engagement is not a sin. Please don’t suggest that I ought not to intern with Cru just so that I can get married sooner (and yes, several people have said that to me.)

I wouldn’t blame someone if they did that, but I feel that to do so would be disobedient to what God has called me to do. So it really hurts when people suggest that I’m stupid, sinful, or some combination of both to choose to wait so that I can serve the Lord for less than a year.

I firmly believe that my life is not my own. I belong to the Lord, and to the Lord alone. I do what He has asked, even if that means waiting over a year to get married. I’m sure it will be hard. But I am indwelt with the Spirit. His grace is sufficient for me, for His “…power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Cor 12:9) I will endure, I will learn to love God and Clay more, and I will have joy in it all.

So please, remember to watch what you say. Let only good things come out of your mouth, “such as is fit for building up, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Eph 4:29)

And please, don’t tell me how much I’m going to hate being engaged by the end. I’m just starting to enjoy it now.

That’s it. Love you all, brothers and sisters, I just want you to know. Ok, now let’s get back to regular life.

What you should know about my engagement photos

I just this really great article at Relevant, and it really made me stop to think.

Now, I don’t have Instagram, but I have Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and a blog. I use all of them every day. And I will admit that I often leave my computer defeated, feeling as if I don’t measure up. Like, my life isn’t as cute, or as romantic, or as wonderful as everyone else. And I start to wonder where I went wrong, or, even worse, I begin to question God.

The article hits it spot on; “I so easily fall prey to the seduction of other people’s partial truths and heavily filtered photos, making everything look amazing. And their amazing looking lives make me feel not amazing at all.”

Partial truths and heavily filtered experiences. That’s the nature of the Internet. Just today, I posted these photos of my engagement. They are everything that moment was; Sweet, surprising, beautiful, and so full of love.

But that’s what it was. A moment. A 10 minute span of time. What those photos have failed to show is the long 2.5 year relationship, and agonizing 6 month struggle that lead up to that moment. This is the reality.

Clay and I have been dating for over two years. We’ve known each other for three. Our relationship has been wonderful, but it’s also been really hard work. Back breaking at times. You don’t bring two people together with 20+ years of history, much of it difficult, without conflict.

The past 6 months alone for us were, quite frankly, awful. We’ve been long distance. We weren’t communicating well. There were lies we both believed about how the other felt and thought. We harbored hurt feelings, bitterness, anger, resentment. For three months, we had disagreements just about every time we talked. There were two months where I lay awake at night every night, worrying. There was a moment that I thought we might not make it.

But we did. It was hell, but we did. We struggled. We cried. We prayed. We sought counsel. We read the Word. We prayed, and prayed some more. We (ok, I) cried even more than I prayed. We WORKED. And it was hard, but it was so worth it, because it brought us to the moment when those photos were taken.

And that’s what it was. A moment, preceded by a billion others filled with blood, sweat, and lots of tears. So remember that, when you look at my photographs (or statuses, or Tweets, or blogs, or whatever) or anyone else’s.

One moment, proceeded by a billion other happy, sad, and mundane moments. That’s life.

You Cannot Keep Running from God

Ok, I’m sorry. I know I promised to post about my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. And I will. Life just has a funny way of getting overwhelmingly busy. And I want those posts to have the time put into them that they (and the people that they are about,) deserve.

I’m ever learning this one incredible truth.

I cannot run from God.

I can’t. No matter how fast I think I’m going, or how far I flee, or what I tried to hide under. I cannot run from God.

He tracks me down, He finds me out. No matter where I go or what I try, He knows.

And instead of being angry at me for my stupidity, He offers comfort and life. He says, “Come to me, you who are weary and heavy laden, I am gentle and lowly of heart. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Matt 11:28

He loves me. He loves me so desperately. When will I stop forgetting that? When will I stop fighting Him at every turn? When will I stop being reluctant to come to Him?

I need to come. Even if most days it feels like I’m dragging a broken, bleeding shell of a soul, I need to come.

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the midst of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter…
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after…

That voice round me like a bursting sea:
“Rise, clasp My hand, and come!’Halts by me that footfall:Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?
‘Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,I am He Whom thou seekest!
Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me.”

-The Hound of Heaven, by  Francis Thompson

“He said, “I wi…

“He said, “I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, “I will crowd action upon action
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of Manhood cease.”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, “I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life’s riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, “I will submit;
I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmuring, why will ye not cease?”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, “I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain.”
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain.
For in Acceptance lieth peace.”

-Amy Carmichael

It is exalting,…

It is exalting, delicious, to stand embraced by the shadows of a friendly tree with the wind tugging at your coattail and the heavens hailing your heart, to gaze and glory and give oneself again to God – what more could a man ask? Oh, the fullness, pleasure, sheer excitement of knowing God on earth! I care not if I never raise my voice again for Him, if only I may love Him, please Him…if only I may see Him, touch His garments, and smile into His eyes…

-Jim Elliot. 

Oh, Lord. That I might enjoy the sheer exhilarating beauty of being a creature on this earth that knows and loves her Creator. 

When I Fall Down

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
(1 John 4:18 ESV)

A lot of my posts lately have been sad and fearful. I won’t attempt to make apologies for that; it’s exactly how I feel. I’ve had a rough few months, to put it lightly. But as I was spending some time with the Lord and contemplating my life, I was convicted that I ought to be a lot more grateful than I am.

I am scared. Actually, I’m terrified. I graduate in less than 2 months. I have a job that, while awesome, is definitely going to be hard. I have to be an adult. I don’t feel ready for that!

I’m probably not ready for that. I’m most likely going to fall flat on my face more than once in the next year. But I realized this – I have lots of people in my life who are going to pick me up. And that’s really all we can do. Try, fail, and let those who love us most pick us up.

I have a family that loves me like crazy and is doing everything they can to help me get on my feet.

I have a group of friends that constantly shows me what it means to walk in the Light, live for eternity, and have a life filled joy.

I have a boyfriend who loves with so constantly and with such intensity, who shares my dreams. Adult life is scary, but a little bit easier when someone’s doing it with you.

I don’t talk about what I’m grateful for, or what fills me with joy. I don’t proclaim to the world what wonderful grace I’ve been given. And I think I need to. So the next three posts will be on these groups of people that have supported me the whole way. 

Next year is going to be really hard. But I’m so thankful God has given me everyone I need.

 

Feeling Alone (Singleness & Marriage & Whatever)

So my friend Hanna wrote this really awesome blog post about married/single labels and feeling alone. (You should probably go read it here.)

The post got me thinking a lot about something I’ve been feeling, but haven’t been able/haven’t wanted to articulate. I haven’t been able to articulate it until now because it’s been so painful, and haven’t wanted to because I’m afraid people will think I’m immature/bratty/dramatic/etc. But here it goes. //Start soapbox.

Feeling alone is a peculiar feeling. Elisabeth Elliot describes it as a fundamental distortion of who man was supposed to be: A creature in full, perfect harmony with others and its Creator. But, because of sin, we feel disconnected. Unattached. Adrift. Alone.

My friend says she feels alone sometimes because she is married. I feel alone because I am not. We’re both in different places, yet feeling the same way for me. To be honest, it really is hard for me, (and probably for the well-intentioned woman who wrote this article,) to look at my married friends, and fathom how they could be lonely.

(Side note: This might look different for people whose friends have been married for quite some time, or especially for those whose friends are not yet married. But this is coming from my perspective, in which a great chunk of my friends have gotten married in the past year, or are getting married in the next year.)

It’s so hard for me to look at married life from my angle, and not simply see all of the positives: A real home, furnished with things not found in the basement of a rental house (not at all an example of my life…) A constant partner, a friend who is always there (literally and figuratively.) A warm bed shared with a best friend. 

That’s where my (and I think most single people’s) imagination ends. And then we wallow and feel sorry for ourselves and cry on the pink and teal giraffe bedsheets we bought when we were 18 and can’t get rid of because we can’t afford it. (Totally a made up situation right there…)

And I’d imagine that it runs somewhat in the other direction as well. Married people see all of the hard things about marriage, and long for the parts of singleness that were actually pretty awesome.  So there we both are, feeling hurt, misunderstood, and very, very alone.

But maybe the real point is that we feel often alone because we let ourselves feel that way. 

I’m totally preaching to the choir here, but we feel alone because we let ourselves imagine that no one can possibly understand how we feel. And that’s just dumb.

Single people: I echo Hanna – stop feeling so misunderstood. Remember your married friends were single once. Remember they still like pretty much all the same things they liked when they were single. Remember that they’re a human being, and if they’ve hurt your feelings or made you feel isolated, you should probably just tell them. In short: Be a loving friend.

Married people: This goes for you too! Stop feeling so misunderstood. If you’ve forgotten, then try to remember that you were once single. Remember that your single friends probably are hurting in one way or another, but it may not be how you think. Remember that your single friends definitely want to share in your life, but probably feel really awkward in conversations about things in which they have no experience to share (sex, husbands, wedding planning, etc.) Remember that they’re also human beings. Like I said, in short: Be a loving friend.

I don’t think I’m anywhere near done feeling alone. I don’t think I’ve got this all right and figured out. I’m sure I’ve hurt my married friend’s feelings with insensitivity to their feelings of aloneness as often as I’ve had mine hurt. The point is, feeling alone, at least in many cases, is a solvable problem.

“Turn your loneliness into solitude and your solitude into prayer.”

Ok, end soapbox.//

I’m going to go back to my pink and teal giraffe sheeted bed and drink some tea out of a crappy mug I found in the basement of the house I’m renting….

Give Me Peace and Rest

 

[Jesus] said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul? – (Mark 8:34-37 ESV)

Struggling to swallow this teaching. I have been denied so many of the desires of my heart; to live near my boyfriend, to be married, this summer, to serve in ministry alongside him.

I involuntarily get nervous whenever the phone rings now, filled with the dread that bad news is again on the other end.

Now, that which I do have (which, I freely admit, is a lot) I fear will be taken from me also.

That’s where this passage hits me. Straight in the gut, filled with a little bit of grief and a whole lot of self pity.

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.”

Oh Lord, have I not done this? Have I not eventually bowed my head in submission at every new turn, and picked up the cross? It is so heavy, so hard.

But it is true. “To whom shall [I] go, Lord? You have the words of eternal life.” (John 6:68)

I cannot stop now. I cannot start to follow you, and not realize the implications from what comes next in this passage. “Whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.”

I am loosing it. In so many ways, I have lost it. None of my plans have come to be realized the way I wanted them. I have lost my life, at least the version of it that I had dreamed of. As I cry over this, you tell me, “‘What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his soul?’ What does it profit you to gain the things that you want, and lose the sanctified, holy, healed soul that I have planned for you?”

Oh, Father, this is a hard teaching. How do I bear it? How do I live life with this new future?  How do I continue to submit, on days when it feels like you hate me more than you love me?

“For what can a man give in return for his soul?”

Nothing. Of course, nothing. Thus, if I want to save my soul, I must lose my life.

May my self pity die, and my joyful submission grow in it’s place. “Give me peace and rest.”

“Somehow, my ruined plans fit into His larger plans.” – Elisabeth Elliot

Somehow. I don’t see it now. But somewhere, in the midst of the grief over dead dreams, are the tiny buds of new ones. Bigger ones, better ones. Beautiful ones.

Sometimes I’m bitter. Sometimes I’m jealous. Sometimes I’m confused. Most of the time I’m sad. But, all the time, I am comforted.