Walls

“When everywhere you go feels like a mirror maze,
and you’re not sure how you’re stuck in this place.
And you got nowhere else to go,
and you’re lost within your own home.
And you’re trying so hard to win,
you keep trying it’s embarrassing.
…Thinking, “How did I get in here?”

This song reflects my heart so deeply right now.

I need Jesus, and I need grace.

Winter of the Soul

I am in the winter of my soul; All lies dead and quiet, without color and without warmth. But I know one thing about winter – that after it, comes spring.

And then – my soul will burst forth with life and vigour anew.  I believe that you, Lord, will breath your life on me like warm spring air.  The snow will melt, the ground will thaw, and all that once looked dead will look more alive than ever before.

My soul is in it’s winter.  But winter does not last forever, but always surely ends  Slowly, or suddenly. But it ends.

I will come out of this. I will see light. I will know joy once more.

“Weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes with the morning.” – Psalm 30:5 ESV

Put Down Your Weapons, Love

God says to me “My little child. Precious. Baby girl. Put down your weapons. Unclench your fists. Come out from behind that shield. Stop. Stop fighting. I love you. You. Ugly you. Terrible you. Sinful you. You think this is new to me? I know that you’re a liar. I know that you’re a cheater. I know that you are filled with jealously, consumed with lust, brimming with anger, spilling with hatred. I know. I’ve always known it.
Beloved, stop hiding. I know what your heart has said. I know that, everyday, you cry with shame as your hear yourself say to me ‘Go away. Leave me alone. Stop telling me what to do.’ But I have bought you at a high price. And I am unwavering. What I have bought, I will keep. And what I keep, I will cherish.

Do you know what that means, darling? It means that I will keep you. I will feed you. I will care for you. I will change you. Let. Go. Stop fighting the hands that are holding you.

Oh, if only you knew how much I love you. If only you knew.”

If only I knew.

Women, you were made as God’s gift to man. And gifts are supposed to be received with joy and treated with care.  The amount of care one gives to a gift should be directly proportional not necessarily to the preciousness of the gift itself, but of the preciousness of the one who has given the gift.

And if he is a man of God, he will know that God is the most precious being in all the universe – thus, you, woman, will be a most precious gift because of your most precious Giver.

Women – Are you waiting for a man who knows this truth, and acts on it? If not, you are a diamond being used as gravel. You are a gift. Not because of who you are, but because of who made and redeemed you. Wait patiently.

Men – Are you treating women in light of this truth? If not, you are not only abusing the gift, you are insulting the Giver. Pray. Repent. Abide.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” … So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”
(Genesis 2:18, 19, 21-23 ESV)

The Desert

Deserts are hard. They are dry. They are wearying. They are dark and scary and overwhelming in their vastness. They stretch on and on with days of monotony and nights of tears. The loneliness is unbearable.

But God often to chooses to meet his people there.

So I will wait in mine.

This is Not Your Party

Today, I listened to the sermon from my church, The Oaks, that I missed this past Sunday.  Something that Pastor Lopina said really caught my attention, and it was this; “This is not your party. It’s His [Jesus'] party.”

Lord, that’s been a lesson you’ve been teaching me lately. If only I had this attitude at all times during my ministry. This is not my party. It’s your party. And if it’s your party, then it’s all about you, Jesus.

It’s not about me. Yes, I’ve been to those meetings before. Yes, it’s often the same thing at 180, and DLL, and etc. But, it’s not about me. Maybe I’m not being fed. But who am I coming to with my need to be spiritually nourished? Do I believe that it’s my discipler who sustains me, or staff who sustains me – or do I believe that you alone, Jesus, sustain my life? Because if I do, then I will realize that it ceases to be about me, because I am taken care of it.

It’s not about them. The second place I’m tempted to turn to when I realize that it’s not about me, is the people that I serve. It’s easy to realize that it’s selfish to focus on myself, when I am supposed to be acting as a “servant leader”.  Yes, my goal is “Win, Build, Send”. But who (or what) am I winning them to? Who am I building them to focus on? If it is on me, or spiritual disciplines, or the organization of Cru itself, then I’ve lost it, Lord. Because it’s NOT about them. As much as I love them, and desire to draw them into the movement, what I desire more, Lord, is to draw them to You. Because even if I cease to make things about myself, and I make them about others, I am still lost.

It’s about Jesus.  That’s the statement that should guide my life. No matter my immediate goal, no matter my method, if it is not about you, Jesus, then it is worthless.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.
(Colossians 1:15-20 ESV)

I Miss Athens

With the countdown at less than a week, I’m getting super anxious to get back to Athens. My “back to school” shopping is done.” My room is in shambles. My totes and boxes are all out and half-packed. Yup. It’s time to go back. And the closer I get to going back, the more I begin to realize just how much I have missed Athens. You can probably guess what’s coming next, so I’ll just jump right in!

Top 5 Things I’m Looking Forward to in Athens

1.Red bricks. No, not the bar. But those streets. Those bouncy, slippery, trippy, pot-hole filled streets. For as much pain as they cause me (and my car’s suspension), I’ve missed them. There’s nothing like the red glow they get when the sunsets, or that satisfying sheen when they get wet at night.

2. Donkey coffee. I miss Donkey coffee so much you’d think I was dating it. Seriously, I have a terrible craving that only their Marakesh blend and a huge soy-milk vanilla chai can fill.

3. 35 Stimson Ave. Comfy red couch. Dirty porch. Street football. Sonic runs. After-180 hangouts. Yup. I miss it.

4.Front Room. I really miss froomin’ it, and not because they have such terrible coffee, but because I know if I need a friend, I can almost always find one there.

5. Friends. Cheesey. Cliche. But so true. I miss my friends terribly. I need to see them, hear them, and hug them. After all, what good is Athens without a good group of friends to share it with?

After I Die

It seems to be a theme here, to post only once in awhile. I will be honest; the reason that I don’t often post is not for lack of material, but for lack of humility. I often think I have a lot to say – but I know that to say it would be a source of pride for myself. So I have refrained. (At this moment, I feel pride that I have the humility to tell you all that so…yeah.)

Anyway, I’ve decided that I have been given the gift of writing, for some reason or another; and I do believe gifts ought to be used. So, for that reason, I’ve come up with a compromise. I will try to update this blog often, but I will do it in a way that hopefully will keep me humble. I’ve decided to post entries that come straight from my journals.  When I journal, I do it for myself and God. Sometimes they’re musings, often they’re prayers, and usually a little of both.

I hope that you are all built up, encouraged, and pointed toward the Cross by them. With that said, here’s the first entry:

 

 

 

 

After I die, I have one wish. I care not if I’m remembered with a nice funeral, or a well made headstone. It doesn’t matter much to me – I’m dead, right? But I do wish this one thing – that when people tell the story of my life, they proclaim the Gospel. Whether they are a long-time believer, or a firm atheist, I hope that their description of me – how I lived my life, the words I said, the way I treated them – is as clear a picture of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as there can be.

Oh, Father. Grant that I may live in a way to make this possible. On my own, I can’t. I’ll be impatient, take shortcuts, speak harshly, live roughly. But with you, Abba – it is possible. I can proclaim the story that you’ve told me, the story that saved me, even after I’m gone.

We all must die. Tomorrow, or in fifty years, I don’t know. But I will die. Father, help me. See that I may live in a manner worthy of the calling that I have received.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,
(Ephesians 4:1 ESV)

A Perfect World

When I’m dreaming (as I often do), my dreams often slip to the way I wish life could be. They way I would live, if I could. The way life could be, if Eve had never reached out and sinned that first time, and the world was perfect.

I would live in a small house set deep in a big forest with a large garden and a medium sized lake nearby. My garden would have flowers and trees, and enough veggies to satisfy both the bunnies and myself.

The house would always be lit with sunlight, and smell like fresh flowers and baking bread. It would never be quiet, filled with children and visiting friends and laughter.

I’d spend my days baking and gardening, visiting friends, wandering in the forest, swimming in the lake, sleeping in the garden and enjoying the sunshine (but never a sunburn). I’d never have to take a photograph, because everything would always stay perfect – and if I wanted to see it again, I could just come back later.  Every meal would taste the way food does after you’ve been very hungry, for a very long time, even though you’d never be hungry.

And best of all, if it were perfect, God would be there. And I’d spend all of the time sitting with my Father, talking to my Brother, and enjoying the warmth of the Spirit. And all of the gifts above would pale in comparison to this. Because this – this is what my soul was made to do.

These are the things I think about, when the days are long and my heart is heavy, and my body feels weary through my bones. I think, and I can smile, because I know I’m not just dreaming. I have the assurance of things hoped for, and though I know I’ll probably only see slivers of this now, but in a blink (for what is 60, even 70 years in comparison with eternity?) I’ll be in heaven, and I can rest until all of this is reality.

This what I dream about. What do you dream about?

Finding Joy in Suffering

The past few days, it seems that the world has focused all it’s evil and brokenness on me and the ones I love. Tragedy and trial have become the theme of my life in recent days. It’s been really, really hard – but through it all the Savior has been sweet to me, and I’ve found comfort in His promises, and in the assurance of His Sovereign will. In light of that, I thought I’d share a few things that have been encouraging to me in the past few weeks.

“Reader, if God has given you His only begotten Son, beware of doubting His kindness and love, in any painful providence of your daily life! Never allow yourself to think hard thoughts of God. Never suppose that He can give you anything which is not really for your good. Remember the words of Paul: ‘He who spared not His own Son—but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things’ (Romans 8:32)

See in every sorrow and trouble of your earthly pilgrimage the hand of Him who gave Christ to die for your sins! That hand can never smite you except in love! He who gave His only begotten Son for you, will never withhold anything from you which is really for your good. Lean back on this thought and be content. Say to yourself in the darkest hour of trial, ‘This also is ordered by Him who gave Christ to die for my sins. It cannot be wrong. It is done in love. It must be well.’” – JC Ryle

I have also been encouraged by the following passage, excerpted from a Elisabeth Elliot’s book, “Secure in the Everlasting Arms”.

“We must learn how to be faithful people in this new assignment, on we certainly never would have asked for, but one which can still serve us, bless us, our Creator, and others.
Yes, there is fear; there is sadness, there is a whole new vocabulary we are coming to know, one we never would have wanted to know anything about.  There are lots of tears. But there have been extraordinary blessings amid the darkness.
We don’t believe this is an accident, and we don’t believe this is not “of God.” We live in a fallen world, where all of us – and creation in general – fall short, because of sin, of what God intended for us and illness and crime and cruelty are just reminders of that “fallenness.” We trust in God’s sovereignty over the world and for our lives…”

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 ESV)

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…”
(2 Corinthians 4:17 ESV)