The concept of forgiveness is a tricky one.
Certainly, it is one mandated by the Bible and a step in experiencing the joy of God’s forgiveness for us more fully. But, like I’m realizing with a lot of Biblical concepts, the tough part is figuring out how to apply it to daily life.
Right now, I’m wrestling with forgiveness. Forgiving people who have hurt me in the past used to be a struggle I could barely overcome. It was too painful, too stinging. I was hardened by 17 years without Christ. I’d like to think that I’m making pretty good progress in that avenue, through prayer and some good old fashioned surrender.
The question for me now, though, is this – what does forgiveness look like when the person you have to forgive continues to hurt you, again and again? When you’ve done all you can – loving confrontation, changes in your own behavior, prayer, and forgiveness for the past – and the hurt continues to come, what do you do?
Of course, I agree that you need to prayerfully and thoughtfully extend forgiveness with each new transgression. But what about that person’s rejection?
Do you continue extending invitations for interaction and relation, even when 9 times out of 10, it is going to be met with a rejection that will sting?
Or do you withdraw, and avoid contact unless that person initiates?
Part of me keeps telling me to withdraw, to run. And the other part keeps reminding me that Jesus continually extended invitations for interaction and relation, even as I not only rejected Him, but acted in rebellion against Him.
What would you do? I really am at a loss here.
Forgiveness is hard.
Photo used from http://www.saintdunstanschurch.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/reaching-hands.jpg
Every set of circumstances is different as are people’s personalities but generally speaking, if someone is rejecting me then I don’t keep going back for more. I can forgive them and even let them know that if they should ever change their mind I’ll be there for them. I don’t think forgiveness or even “turning the other cheek” means we have to intentionally subject ourselves to rejection and conflict just so we can have a clear conscience about having shown love to that person. Some people can be loved from a distance until they are ready to receive it. Until then we lift them up in prayer and make sure we are truly forgiving them in our hearts.
I there are two different issues here. One is forgiveness. Have you forgiven? (Remember, forgiveness, unlike reconciliation, is one-sided – you can forgive without anyone else apologizing or reconciling.)
The second is whether you should continue to pursue a friendship there. That’s where I’m at too. Just yesterday, I messaged an old friend on Facebook because over the past two years, we’ve totally gone in separate ways because of some issues we’ve indirectly had with each other in the past. Until yesterday, I’d not really opened up and explicitly explained how I felt about it. So we’ll see how it goes from here.
But I think the real issue, apart from forgiveness, is whether or not God still wants you to reach out to this person? So search the Scripture and see what God says. And as you’re doing here, ask other Christians what they think about the issue.
For me, I knew I needed to initiate again because I read in a book where someone talked about doing this, and God seemed to be telling me to do it. But it’s probably different in each case.
Overall, though, I think it’s probably a good idea to keep an open invitation, make it clean that you’re always available. But if you don’t get a response, then you’re probably safe to move on. It comes down to this: are you staying away to help yourself or is it really what’s best for the other person right now?
-Marshall Jones Jr.
This is definitely something I’ve been struggling with too, Emily. For a long time, I thought that in order to forgive a certain person in my life I needed to seek him out, tell him I forgave him, and make sure he knew I was there if he needed a kind soul. I was very, very wrong. There are always going to be people that hurt us, and the sad fact is some will do it more than once if given the chance, because of their own brokenness.
Forgiveness can happen without mending a relationship (or starting one). It is purely a gift to yourself. Interaction and relation, as you put it, is not necessary for forgiveness. God doesn’t mandate that we seek out those who hurt us and attempt to change them and begin a relationship with them…He merely contends that we love them. And honestly, that looks different in every situation. We can love others from afar. It is not love to continue to subject yourself to pain and frustration. Jesus did not come running after you, He loved you always and from a distance your entire life, and merely waited at the door and let YOU decide whether to open it. Remember, true forgiveness isn’t colored by expectation–we cannot change people, as much as we would like to. Only God can. I feel like when we worry about extending our hands to others in the midst of forgiveness, it is almost out of our own desire to be acknowledged for how Christ-like we are being. But all Jesus said was to turn the other cheek. He did not say run after the person, tap them on the shoulder, and let them know that your other cheek is vulnerable and you’d like nothing more than for them to smack it again.
I would argue that forgiving them in your heart is more than enough. The rest is up to the person whom you’ve extended that forgiveness to.
P.S. I love you a lot, and you have a beautiful, beautiful heart. It is such an encouragement to see all your growth
To me, forgiveness is unconditional love! I wont be able to say anything more, coz even I am searching for it!
Cheerio
dream peddler
What do you mean? I think I am following your train of thought, but I’m just not sure and I don’t want to put words in your mouth.
Well, Forgiveness is most difficult when someone breaks your heart or your trust, which has left you in ruins. Your sub conscious becomes vengeful, and your ego inflates. That is the challenge, that is when forgiveness doesn’t come.
Long back I had written an of-the-block paragraph:-
“I believe everything needs to grow. If you try and connect the dots of life, you would see that. What were the best days of your life? To a teenager, it would be his college days, i.e. when he is growing unto a new found life. To a middle aged man, it would be his childhood days, those long gone moments. To a would-be-mom, it would be those 9 months, of carving someone inside her and then finally that breath taking moment arrives. To mankind, it would be the evolution from an invertebrate to a vertebrate. So, you see, the secret is ‘to grow’.
Everything needs to grow, a baby, a thought, a consciousness, an effort, an individual, a love and a relationship. But we need to know, what we are growing into. When a river grows into an ocean, it doesn’t know that it has become the ocean. That’s why life is so beautiful. ”
I think the answer lies very much in here! But its hard to practice. Hindu philosophy advices detachment from “maya” I dont know if you know the meaning of “maya” A vague word for it is “surrealism”. Let me how your opinion grows from this point.
dream peddler
Hi Emily,
I just found your blog and wanted to say hi. Your honesty and transparency are so refreshing.
This post in particular really struck a chord. I agree, forgiveness is so, so hard. In my better moments, I try to remember that I “reject” God so many times every day — loving myself more than Him, more than those around me. And He just keeps forgiving me. Even though He already *knows* the next day I’m just going to screw up our relationship again.
You have my total sympathy in the situation you’re in. I’m shooting up an “arrow prayer” (as a friend of mine calls those little of-the-moment prayers) that God will work in this person’s life and heal your relationship! Much love.