Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not allowed to grieve.
As a whole, our culture really sucks at grieving. When someone dies, we give the family and friends one, maybe two days to mourn publicly. And then they have to go back to real life, as if everything were normal. And if that’s what we do when someone dies, well I think it’s safe to say we handle lesser griefs much worse.
We don’t let people grieve.
I’m a firm believer that any kind of loss causes grief, although arguably the amount of grief varies. The death of a dream, the hurt of being treated unkindly, having something we don’t want or wanting something we don’t have – all of those things cause grief.
But we don’t let people grieve. Think about what you said the last time someone expressed hurt or discontent about being single. If you’re at all like me, you probably said something along the lines of, “You don’t need a boyfriend/girlfriend.” “Being in a relationship is hard too.” “God has something in store for you, just be content.”
All of those statements are true. But are they helpful? In that moment, when someone is expressing their grief, is that what they really need to hear?
Let them grieve.
Say, “I’m sorry.” Say, “How can I help?” Say, “That sucks, how are you doing?” Say anything but something that discounts their grief.
Let your friends grieve over being single, or unmarried, or over hurts from long ago. Don’t let them wallow, but let them grieve. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s not something to “get over.” It’s a process, one made much easier with a good friend sitting quietly by your side.
Please; Let me grieve.
3 comments
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February 15, 2013 at 12:58 AM
Kate
Yes, grieving is an important human process and we must all be allowed to grieve, but our culture places so much importance on having a (heterosexual) relationship that of course people are going to be upset at being single, but the point is you shouldn’t have to be upset at being single. Unlike society (especially media) would have you believe, it does not mean you are lacking, it does not mean you are not worthy. What about someone who wishes to remain single, should they grieve? I think not. Should you be allowed to grieve, yes! Should you be coerced into thinking you should be grieving, no.
February 15, 2013 at 1:11 AM
emilymueller143
You totally misunderstood my entire post. I used singleness as an example simply because it was an example that happened in my real life that popped into my head. If you go back and look at my post, you’ll see that I talked about a LOT of things that cause grief. Being single is only one of those things. And not that being single is something you HAVE to grieve, but I think a lot of people are grieved by it – and by comments like the one you’ve made, it only makes it harder to feel like having those feelings is legitimate.
We need to let people feel how they feel.
February 16, 2013 at 11:22 PM
Austin
I think also, to follow up on Kate’s point, we should never feel coerced to grieve in general. For example, we should not HAVE to grieve loved one’s who die that are followers of Christ. Instead, we should have abundant joy, for they go to what Paul describes as being much better than being here. However, it is human to grieve. Even Jesus mourned the death of Lazarus, and lamented harm coming to those he loved. I think that you did a wonderful job, Emily, of making it clear the importance of compassion and love when considering what’s best for someone. Thanks for the great post!