Singleness and the Christian Subculture

I’m a Christan. And I’ve been single for 1 year, 1 week, and 3 days.

It sounds like the introduction for some sort of support group. A little cheesy, a little rehearsed, and definitely ridiculous. But, according to what appears to be the prevailing attitude in the Christian subculture, it might be necessary.

As a member of the Christian subculture, I am part of the problem. This I will openly admit. So please, in the post that follows, don’t misunderstand. I am critical if only because I care.  I’m seeing (and experiencing) the damage that this subtle attitude does to our young men and women, and it makes me sad.

At the surface level, the preoccupation with relationships is natural.  Christianity is a faith that emphasizes relationships above all else.  At the head of our lives is our relationship with our God and Savior, Jesus.  Through his love, we are enabled to form rich relationships with others – spurring them on to turn to a relationship with Christ, or further one they already have. All relationships, whether filial, familial, friendly, or romantic, are beautiful and enriching when centered on and formed through Christ.

The subtle tendency to emphasize marriage relationships, and therefore dating relationships, though, has somehow crept into American Christianity.  Maybe it’s a backlash to the tragically high divorce rate.  Maybe it’s a reflection of our secular American culture, which emphasizes the idea that without a significant other, you have nothing of significance.  Most likely, it’s a combination of both.

This idea of the “hurry up and marry so you can have a family and be a ‘Proverbs 31 Woman’ ” is a trap that I have fallen into over and over again.  I lose sight of my love for Jesus because I’m so focused on finding a man to love.

But here’s the truth. The “Proverbs 31 Woman” isn’t blessed because she has a husband and children to serve.  She’s blessed because she serves. She serves with skill, wisdom, strength, courage, and humility.

And whether single, married, widowed, or divorced, those who have been covered by the blood of the Lamb are always blessed.

I may be single. But I’m not cursed. I’m blessed.

Why are we still searching for love?

Last night I had a “girls night” dinner.  A few freshmen girls that I am friends with walked to the nearby off-campus apartment where one of our Bible study leaders lives, to cook a meal, escape dining hall food, and chat.  It was a blast, and I am so excited to get to know all of these girls better throughout the year.  We spent much of the night telling our testimonies, how we came to meet Jesus, and, of course, boys.  However, the course of our conversations wasn’t so much who we thought was cute or anything that you would typically think, but of our failed relationships.  Many of us have just recently ended relationships upon coming to college.  Most of those relationships failed due to deeply rooted sin.  And we can’t even claim that they failed because it was before we knew Jesus – we were all believers who messed up in this way!  No excuses.  This really got me to thinking – how many young Christian women out there have had or are experiencing the same failures in romantic relationships that we had? I think it’s a lot.  More than we’re comfortable admitting.  Why is this? Why are we, believing Christian women, failing so regularly in our relationships with men?

I think the root of it comes down to this – our culture has us absolutely starving for love.  We’re raised on fairy tale Disney stories, spoon-fed the idea that love is a whirlwind emotion that is as easy and natural as anything.  And I think this damages us.  Why are we teaching our children this?  Because I know, speaking from experience, that the real problem is when Christian women start looking for love other than the love that Jesus provides.  And the questions is why?  The love of Jesus is perfect, full, and unfailing.  Jesus will never break up with us because he “needs to find himself”.  Jesus will never flirt with us and then take another girl to the prom.  Jesus never forgets to call.  So why are so many girls searching for love that we think a romance could fulfill?  Maybe it’s our culture.  Maybe it’s the media.  Maybe it’s how we were raised.  In any case, we are the only ones who can fix it.

Now, I’m not going to throw out advice here, because I really don’t feel that I have any room to speak – I just ended a year and a half long relationship that I only recently realized was terrible for me.  It was deeply rooted in sin, had no basis in God, and, I think, sometimes, I even loved my ex more than I loved God.  So for the time being, I’m not dating.  Sometimes (ok, a lot of times), I find myself longing for the comfort and warmth of a relationship with a boyfriend.  I want that feeling of love, of being wanted and needed.  But I just have to remind myself – Jesus is all the love I could ever really need.  And when (or maybe if), I can finally truly say that I could live my whole life single, satisfied with the love that only Jesus Christ can give me – maybe then I’ll be ready to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.  Until then, I’m gonna be doing the “Single Ladies” dance I guess! (Go ahead. Sing it. You know you want to!)

I’m sorry if this has been a long and somewhat rambling post today – it’s a complicated subject that I think I have only begun to understand.  If you have any further advice or thoughts, I would love to hear them!  All I know is that I need no further love than Jesus because, as the song goes – “Love is here. Love is now. Love is pouring from His hands and from His brow.”