This is Not Your Party

Today, I listened to the sermon from my church, The Oaks, that I missed this past Sunday.  Something that Pastor Lopina said really caught my attention, and it was this; “This is not your party. It’s His [Jesus'] party.”

Lord, that’s been a lesson you’ve been teaching me lately. If only I had this attitude at all times during my ministry. This is not my party. It’s your party. And if it’s your party, then it’s all about you, Jesus.

It’s not about me. Yes, I’ve been to those meetings before. Yes, it’s often the same thing at 180, and DLL, and etc. But, it’s not about me. Maybe I’m not being fed. But who am I coming to with my need to be spiritually nourished? Do I believe that it’s my discipler who sustains me, or staff who sustains me – or do I believe that you alone, Jesus, sustain my life? Because if I do, then I will realize that it ceases to be about me, because I am taken care of it.

It’s not about them. The second place I’m tempted to turn to when I realize that it’s not about me, is the people that I serve. It’s easy to realize that it’s selfish to focus on myself, when I am supposed to be acting as a “servant leader”.  Yes, my goal is “Win, Build, Send”. But who (or what) am I winning them to? Who am I building them to focus on? If it is on me, or spiritual disciplines, or the organization of Cru itself, then I’ve lost it, Lord. Because it’s NOT about them. As much as I love them, and desire to draw them into the movement, what I desire more, Lord, is to draw them to You. Because even if I cease to make things about myself, and I make them about others, I am still lost.

It’s about Jesus.  That’s the statement that should guide my life. No matter my immediate goal, no matter my method, if it is not about you, Jesus, then it is worthless.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.
(Colossians 1:15-20 ESV)

After I Die

It seems to be a theme here, to post only once in awhile. I will be honest; the reason that I don’t often post is not for lack of material, but for lack of humility. I often think I have a lot to say – but I know that to say it would be a source of pride for myself. So I have refrained. (At this moment, I feel pride that I have the humility to tell you all that so…yeah.)

Anyway, I’ve decided that I have been given the gift of writing, for some reason or another; and I do believe gifts ought to be used. So, for that reason, I’ve come up with a compromise. I will try to update this blog often, but I will do it in a way that hopefully will keep me humble. I’ve decided to post entries that come straight from my journals.  When I journal, I do it for myself and God. Sometimes they’re musings, often they’re prayers, and usually a little of both.

I hope that you are all built up, encouraged, and pointed toward the Cross by them. With that said, here’s the first entry:

 

 

 

 

After I die, I have one wish. I care not if I’m remembered with a nice funeral, or a well made headstone. It doesn’t matter much to me – I’m dead, right? But I do wish this one thing – that when people tell the story of my life, they proclaim the Gospel. Whether they are a long-time believer, or a firm atheist, I hope that their description of me – how I lived my life, the words I said, the way I treated them – is as clear a picture of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as there can be.

Oh, Father. Grant that I may live in a way to make this possible. On my own, I can’t. I’ll be impatient, take shortcuts, speak harshly, live roughly. But with you, Abba – it is possible. I can proclaim the story that you’ve told me, the story that saved me, even after I’m gone.

We all must die. Tomorrow, or in fifty years, I don’t know. But I will die. Father, help me. See that I may live in a manner worthy of the calling that I have received.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,
(Ephesians 4:1 ESV)

Finding Joy in Suffering

The past few days, it seems that the world has focused all it’s evil and brokenness on me and the ones I love. Tragedy and trial have become the theme of my life in recent days. It’s been really, really hard – but through it all the Savior has been sweet to me, and I’ve found comfort in His promises, and in the assurance of His Sovereign will. In light of that, I thought I’d share a few things that have been encouraging to me in the past few weeks.

“Reader, if God has given you His only begotten Son, beware of doubting His kindness and love, in any painful providence of your daily life! Never allow yourself to think hard thoughts of God. Never suppose that He can give you anything which is not really for your good. Remember the words of Paul: ‘He who spared not His own Son—but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things’ (Romans 8:32)

See in every sorrow and trouble of your earthly pilgrimage the hand of Him who gave Christ to die for your sins! That hand can never smite you except in love! He who gave His only begotten Son for you, will never withhold anything from you which is really for your good. Lean back on this thought and be content. Say to yourself in the darkest hour of trial, ‘This also is ordered by Him who gave Christ to die for my sins. It cannot be wrong. It is done in love. It must be well.’” – JC Ryle

I have also been encouraged by the following passage, excerpted from a Elisabeth Elliot’s book, “Secure in the Everlasting Arms”.

“We must learn how to be faithful people in this new assignment, on we certainly never would have asked for, but one which can still serve us, bless us, our Creator, and others.
Yes, there is fear; there is sadness, there is a whole new vocabulary we are coming to know, one we never would have wanted to know anything about.  There are lots of tears. But there have been extraordinary blessings amid the darkness.
We don’t believe this is an accident, and we don’t believe this is not “of God.” We live in a fallen world, where all of us – and creation in general – fall short, because of sin, of what God intended for us and illness and crime and cruelty are just reminders of that “fallenness.” We trust in God’s sovereignty over the world and for our lives…”

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 ESV)

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…”
(2 Corinthians 4:17 ESV)

Back to Life

So, you’ve probably not noticed that this blog has been silent for quite some time. With the class schedule I was maintaining winter quarter, I really had absolutely no time to sleep, let alone keep up a blog.

But, with a new quarter, I hope to update this blog a little more often. And with the resurrection of my blog, I have done a little updating – I changed the title, added some more links, and jazzed up the layout. I hope you enjoy it.

And even if you don’t, you’ll probably enjoy this - 

Urgent prayer needed for CCCI Staff

In case you haven’t heard, the middle east is in even more a state of crisis than normal. Things are not looking good, and even worse for Christian missionaries. Campus Crusade for Christ has many staff and their families in the affected countries, and things are looking desperate for them.  Here are a few excerpts from blog posts from the CCCI page dedicated to the crisis.

Struggle for Daily Life

Staff in Egypt and throughout the Middle East report that daily life has become a struggle. Nearly everyone is in survival mode. They spend daylight hours securing food for their families.

This task has been made even tougher by price gouging on many food items throughout the country. Some commodities are scarce. Shop owners are taking advantage of the chaos. Staff in Egypt report prices double and triple their normal levels.

“We’ve never seen anything like this…”

A phone conversation with a Campus Crusade staff member in Egypt revealed the anxiety and excitement in the region. The staff member relayed this message through tears:

“We’ve never seen anything like this in our lives in Egypt. People don’t know what to do. They don’t know how to behave.”

As you can tell, things are frightening, but we know that our God is soveiegn, and I believe that the doors for the Gospel are being flung open through all of this. Please join me in praying for CCCI staff, their families, and all other Christian missionaries in Egypt and throughout the middle east.

You can watch a video about the crisis here –

 

Hope

The Lord has dealt a bitter hand,
and though it fits some theme or plan,
that does not stem the flow of grief
or dry my tears, nor
bring relief.

And though I walk a desert path
God guides me still, and with His staff
He makes a spring from boulders flow
to whet my lips, and heal my soul.

And though this life brings strife and pain
I know that all my loss is gain.
For knowing Christ, and him alone
is enough to bring me, ever home.

Onward, to the Eternal Kingdom march!
with tear-streaked faces
and broken hearts.

Oh, soon, we’ll arrive
in our heavenly home
where our tears will dry
and our hearts will mend
and all things painful will see their end.

So cry, red eyes!
And grieve, sad hearts!

But hope, ever hope,
for Christ’s return
and eternity’s start.

 

I have too much free time right now

Since I just wrote a post about all the things that I dig, I thought it might be nice to make a post about all the things that I strongly dislike at the moment. Not that anyone really cares about what I dislike. But anyway. Here we go.

• Twilight
• Romance movies
• Taylor Swift
• Not being able to work yet
• Sinus infections
• The lack of a good coffee shop near my house
• Being bored
• How rainy November is

Current Obsessions

Current obsessions:

• Shirts with ruffles and flowers on the collar
• The colors light pink and off-white
• Cranberry colored lipstick
• Headbands and clips with flowers on them
• the song “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars
• Dark Chocolate Raspberry Northern Lite Lattes from Caribou Coffee

All of these things make me very happy. Today, I got to have all of them at once. It was magical. Happy Birthday to me

I love my Bible study

Ok, so the title is super lame. Forgive me. It’s almost midnight and I’ve been up since 6:45 am. Anyway. I originally intended to post this as a simple status, but then it got too long, so I moved it to here. So here it goes.

Despite the drama that was today, one of the main things that has been running through my mind all day has been “MAN, do I love my cross-training Bible study.”

Seriously. I love everything about it. I love preparing the study, delving deep into the Word to understand it fully, before I attempt to teach it to others. I love leading the study, getting to teach and instruct other young women in the same truths that so radically changed my life . To literally get to pass on my love and devotion to Jesus, the greatest thing I have ever known, to other people. It’s exhilarating!

But, above all, I love the people. I love my co-leaders, Grace, Nadine, and Tonya. It’s only been a quarter, but I love these women and feel super-privileged to get to “run this race”, so to speak, with them.

I love the women in my study. Aimee. Bri and Bri (:-P). Jamie. Chelsea. Tasia. Ye. Sarah. I love seeing them grow and learn and change as I learn and grow and change with them.

I love the things we do together – Thursday night dinners, “Sister Wives” marathons, impromptu dance parties, trading leaves, late night hang outs, coloring, Youtube Videos, failed attempts at carving pumpkins, and sharing the intimate (seriously) details of our lives.

Most of all, I love just sharing life with them. If you’re reading this, “Irma’s Girls”, I love you, and I can’t wait to see where God takes us in these next two quarters.

“You’re Not Good Enough”

Lately, I’ve been dealing with a lot of crappy feelings, most of which could be filed under the label of “inadequacy”.

And without turning into some wimpy, whiny, “Lifetime” special in which I “find myself” and magically run off into the self-confident sunset, I want to explore this feeling.

We all know what it’s like. It’s that nagging feeling of doubt as you begin to teach someone. That stabbing anxiety as you open up your mouth to speak. Those voices in your head – “What makes you think you can do this?” “You’re not ready for this.” “You aren’t prepared for this!” “You aren’t old enough.” “You aren’t smart enough.” “You aren’t mature enough.” “You aren’t spiritual enough.” “You aren’t enough.”

I know, in my head, that these feelings are not justified. I’ve been trained. I’ve been taught. People I trust to evaluate me accurately have asked me to do these things. No one has openly expressed any doubt about my abilities to do these things. And yet, I’m constantly fighting off this sense of paralyzing, piercing inadequacy.

Some days, it’s so bad, I’m half tempted to call up everyone that I’m responsible to and call it all off. But as I contemplated these options last night, I realized this -

That is exactly what Satan wants.

If I, as a woman with trust in Jesus, act in faith, things will happen. The world will change. People will come to make Jesus their King. Women will be discipled and then disciple others. Relationships will be formed and the Gospel will be taught and lives will be changed. The kingdom of darkness will be beaten back and the Kingdom of Light will make an advance. And there are few things in this world that Satan hates more than that.

And if he can’t get me to stop trusting in Jesus, then the next best thing he can do is to paralyze me so much that I can’t work for Him.

And that, friends, is a tragedy I can’t allow to happen.

So, terrified as I am, I’m picking up my cross, and moving onward to “do the work of an evangelist” and “fulfill [my] ministry,” so that, at the end of it all, I can say “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:5,7 ESV) Come with me!