I’m not quite sure what I want to say in this blog post, so I apologize if it comes off as less than eloquent.
Obviously, the biggest thing in my life right now is raising my financial support to join staff with Cru as an intern. It consumes my days and looms over my head at night as I try to sleep.
Most days I don’t feel cut-out for this. I’m a natural worrier. I’m a planner, a go-getter. I like to pack for vacations days ahead of time. I like contingency plans and sealed-deals and fail-safes. Support raising is the most worrying process I’ve ever been in, and there is no room for sealed-deals and fail-safes.
I’ve really struggled to keep my mind and my heart in the right place through this summer. It’s so tempting for me to put all my hopes in a particular contact, only to be so disappointed or have my feelings hurt when they don’t react the way I think they will. It’s even more tempting for me to get so wrapped up in the deadlines I’m not meeting and goals I’m not making, and end up sitting in front of an Excel spreadsheet weeping out of fear and worry.
Sometimes, I want to quit, but the solemn vow I made to God 2 and 1/2 years ago to do whatever the Lord asked, whenever He asked, keeps me from leaving. But then my sinful heart grows sour and bitter, and I echo the Israelites in Exodus 14, translating their complaint into my own words, saying “Why have you brought me here?! It would have been better for me to work at some miserable advertising agency than to fail at this process.” [Exodus 14:12]
There’s really only one solution for all of this, and it’s very simple. Turn my face towards Him, set my eyes straight ahead, and not look back.
“When I fix my eyes on all that You are, every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim.”