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Be still, my soul. The Lord is on your side. 

Be. Still. Be STILL. Don’t run, don’t hide, don’t curl up in the fetal position. Be STILL. Relax. Rest.

The Lord is on your side. YOUR side. The LORD. The God of the universe, who controls every atom and every galaxy, each dost mote and every star. He’s on your side. He’s not going to leave you. He won’t suddenly decide to revoke friendship or drift out of your grasp. He is on YOUR side. He is for you, never against. He is more zealous for your joy than you could ever be. Trust Him. 

Be still, my soul. Don’t fret over the painful things that have happened this week, or last week, or last year. Yes, cry. Grieve. But don’t worry. Don’t dwell. Don’t worry about the unknown future stretching out before you. Leave to your God to order and provide. Let the God who unrolls the past, present, and future of the world like a scroll arrange your present and future, just as He has the past. Has he ever let you go without? Has he ever not made things work? Has he ever left you alone? No, never. And He won’t start now. In every change, He faithful will remain. 

He is faithful. Trust Him. Be. Still. 

 

Have you ever felt fractured – like the two parts of yourself are at odds, different people inhabiting the same body? Torn between to extremes that somehow manage to exist within the same frame.

As of late, that’s how I’ve felt about God more often that I care to admit. After so many plans get changed, so many hopes fall short, my heart is so angry, so confused, so tired. It doesn’t feel like God’s ignoring me – it feels like He’s purposely thwarting me. I, with the Israelites cry, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have brought us out here to die?” I want to scream and stomp my feet, to yell at my Maker, “Leave me ALONE! Go bother someone else! Stop doing this to me!”

But in the same breath, I feel the other part of myself cry. Not a strong, angry cry. But the weak, pathetic cry of a sick baby. Helpless, frightened. “My soul thirsts for God, the living God.” I ache for him. I trail behind him, desperate to even touch the hem of his robe.

These two feelings exist inside of me. One part, that wishes so strongly to do life on my own. Wishes I could walk away from the hard things Jesus calls me to, to take my life back and do what I want, how i want it. And the other part, that knows that I can’t go another step without His presence, so desperate for any piece of Him.

If I could have walked away from Jesus, God knows I would have already done it. But by His blood I have been bought, bound and sealed. So here I am, falling between two extremes. I want to leave, and I beg to stay.

“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life…” (John 6:68, ESV)

I’m not quite sure what I want to say in this blog post, so I apologize if it comes off as less than eloquent.

Obviously, the biggest thing in my life right now is raising my financial support to join staff with Cru as an intern. It consumes my days and looms over my head at night as I try to sleep.

Most days I don’t feel cut-out for this. I’m a natural worrier. I’m a planner, a go-getter. I like to pack for vacations days ahead of time. I like contingency plans and sealed-deals and fail-safes. Support raising is the most worrying process I’ve ever been in, and there is no room for sealed-deals and fail-safes.

I’ve really struggled to keep my mind and my heart in the right place through this summer. It’s so tempting for me to put all my hopes in a particular contact, only to be so disappointed or have my feelings hurt when they don’t react the way I think they will. It’s even more tempting for me to get so wrapped up in the deadlines I’m not meeting and goals I’m not making, and end up sitting in front of an Excel spreadsheet weeping out of fear and worry.

Sometimes, I want to quit, but the solemn vow I made to God 2 and 1/2 years ago to do whatever the Lord asked, whenever He asked, keeps me from leaving. But then my sinful heart grows sour and bitter, and I echo the Israelites in Exodus 14, translating their complaint into my own words, saying “Why have you brought me here?! It would have been better for me to work at some miserable advertising agency than to fail at this process.” [Exodus 14:12]

There’s really only one solution for all of this, and it’s very simple. Turn my face towards Him, set my eyes straight ahead, and not look back.

“When I fix my eyes on all that You are, every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim.”

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Past Musings